how to keep sadness at bay? …

i have not been well, of late. i do not like how my friend, a friend of many years, keeps bothering me with a very horrible proposition. his very horrible proposition. only recently married and wants to have an affair with me. of all the women in this world to receive such an insult, ako nanaman ang natamaan ng damage/malice missile. i think that my friend has lost his mind, to say the least. i want to tell his wife about this. but i do not know her and should like to keep ‘it’ this way. i do not want to hurt her because i do not know her. same as, i don’t want people who don’t know me..to hurt me or to bother me. i am unwell and more than usual because this friend of mine makes me feel like elephant dung and camel crap. the best thing to do is to ignore him. i’ve given the ‘morally’ upright response of NO in size 111 font…more than once. i hope that he will eventually leave me alone and i hope that he stops being a j@ck@ss soon. I told him that he will get into so much trouble if he doesn’t change. ‘You have a wife. You didn’t marry me. You’ve only been married 3 months, GO AWAY and STAY AWAY. and don’t you even dare m@sturbate to my image or what because actually admitting that you do this…is sick. ok? sick in what way? damn you, won’t you look at me please? I am ugly. period. If I were any sort of beautiful, I’d have a husband and I would never have to receive this kind of treatment from you.


*******
how then do i keep the sadness at bay? one way is to remind myself that at the very least, MY MOTHER, loves me in a way that prompts her tosimply state: ‘huwag lumapit kung hindi putol ari’. & this makes me literally smile through tears. My mom loves me. Then there’s: my sister loves me some. Their love, i keep in a cabinet. Come have a look at what this cabinet keeps.

the 116333 right hand palm’s rapists could not make me abandon 1 of my better qualities: being 1 who finds rhetoric in the lyrical language of materiality
a fine way of saying: i find comfort in some of the things which i collect.

i could care less about what my mother’s sibling have to say about this cabinet. it has nothing to do with my uncles, aunts, and cousins.


this compartment, i call: elegance. these fragrances do not come cheap. these fragrances remind me of my dearest sister. most of these were gifts from my baby sister Vanessa. this compartment is called elegance because the bottles of perfume inside …i wear when i have somewhere glitzy to go to. and going somewhere glitzy is a rare thing with me. [ Vera Wang, Love in Paris, 5th Avenue After Five, Pretty, Miss Cherie, Nina and Gucci ] My Gucci 2 came from my cousin Riaz and his special girl friend Robyn c.2006

This compartment i call : Ibsen. If you are smart, you can guess why. These are miniature bottles and I have more than these. However, the cabinet is a rather new one and so my other bottles are still stashed in another cabinet that is on the second floor of our home. I like looking at these small bottles. I think about the labor/laboring that went into making such small bottles. And because I do not know and because I do not want to research how these small bottles are made… I will always think that these bottles represent some Magic in this world.

This compartment I call: Whims. These fragrances are heady scents and mix very well with the scent of my skin. These scents remind me the movie " Pretty Woman". Most of these fragrances were introduced during the 90s. To me, these scents allow me to hope for adventure, love, passion, and excitement. I’m not sharing what these are. Dumb demonic spineless non-human being mr. stephen’s wife might see what fragrance used to make my ex-fiance look at me and hold me in a manner that always managed to make everyone think that he’d like to carry me off like some neanderthal and make love to me on top of the hood of his ancient car..out in the parking lot..for all to see. Maniacal passion? sure. of course. after all, everyone knew we were going to get married after college graduation. June 2001. Dumb stupid demonic spineless non-human being mr. stephen isn’t the friend who is now  making  me feel like camel dung and like elephant crap.

this part of my fragrance cabinet, I call : Practical. For day wear, for use in school, and for whenever i get to see mr. E. This compartment has all my fragrances made by Stella Mc Cartney. It also has my Paul Smith fragrances.
I still have to find out what scent to wear when I see Mr. beloved KLMNOP/ Snufflelafagus/ love of my life for all eternity / again. should i see him again. i want him to think like a wild  animal  the next time i see him. i want to make him feel like a wild beast when he sees me again. how to do that with just 1 whiff of me? I still have to find what this scent is.
So this means..a whole lot more of freelance work..late night typing..back breaking working for foriegn capitalists who cheat me. To spend on a hobby.

I don’t come cheap. Please, it’s very obvious. So please do not treat me like it’s alright to ask me to be your mistress…especially if we’ve been friends for 11 years and you know my Mommy, personally!!!! 
Yes, there are times when you can kiss me for free.
But then there have been those times when desiring me would actually have to cost you money. ..cost as guy money. Unintentionally cost a guy a considerable amount of money.
Like my ex-husband-to-be superproxy Atty. (lawyer) guy who would give his surname to me…just because…i knew how to argue out a good ‘you..should…want..to..marry..me’
There was this 1 evening…because he had kissed me…could not help but to steal those XOXOs from me…he waived his right to his appearance fee. 5,000 Php. That was his appearance fee for that University of the East Manila meeting.
His way of showing me, ‘Ma’am…Francess…I cannot not honorably steal any part of you and of your being’.

*******

These shared, I shall now go to bed and rest some. Go to Hell, Helen. I could launch a thousand ships…using my inner beauty…and i don’t mean this in reference to an i-Pod game named Battleships.

And to that married friend who has probably gone nuts: please. go m@sturbate to a picture of Pamela Anderson. please. She has bigger boobs….

Just stop it and go away. You are not allowed to make me feel CHEAP. Not after everything that I have done for you. Not after 11 years of friendship.

Sure, I’m pathetic. All my sexual fantasies involve Mr. E.
But, I’m not married. I’m not in a relationship. I’m not seeing anybody. I’m not teaching for any Catholic University. I don’t care what any religious group thinks about what words like these from me: I have every right to imagine how it would be like…to have E. love me in that way.
So what if I do? It doesn’t qualify as ‘crazy’. It doesn’t make me someone who should only be treated in only one way.
The cheap way…will not cut it.

Persist and Goddess Kuan Yin help me…I’ll spit on your face because a married guy who acts like you…deserves it. how dare you.

*******



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