all kinds of therapy…

 
 
i bid mr. prince charming goodbye, the other day. i said it was a goodbye, forever. not that he’d notice.really. he wouldn’t mind.
 
my prince charming turned very prince harming. oh well.
 
i’m younger than he is and it shows. he always used to say that it wasn’t my age. i never did believe him.
 
i’ll always be alone. but i swore that i won’t be lonely. i’ll have him in my heart. always.
 
i’ll close my eyes and i’ll be by those elevators again.
i’ll close my eyes and he’ll be with me saying my most favorite lines from him:
 
1. you haven’t seen snow and it badly wants to see you. ( only E. would say such a line…for me. )
2. i love you. (only E could say this and make me want to go the Dr. Parnassus way just so that E. would never have to say that he doesn’t love me)
 
Islamic Philosophy, huh. oh well. I can’t say that my heart doesn’t shudder when I remember that the said subject is E.’s academic forte. Want to know why? ok.
" Do not be overwhelmed by love."
Uhuh. What? Why not? and What for?
if not for love, how’d we become people?
(then again…there’s poor family planning methods)
but i was a product of a lots-of-thanks-to-love marriage
 
i like hearts… heart shaped anything. i hate pink and blue together. i  hate pink-violet. i hate lectures. i hate self-help anything. i hate motivational everything. i hate inspirational everything. i loathe unsolicited anything. i don’t believe in change. don’t ask me why. my answer wil drive you nuts because you’ll agree.
i like sweet. i like sweets. i am sweet. i’ll always be like this.
 
i don’t like violet. i don’t appreciate sky cable. i like movies. i like watercolor art. i like oriental art.
i laugh. i laugh a whole lot. i guffaw. i’m loud when i don’t care if i’m being loud.
i have a really bad temper. it’s scary. i think it’s the 1 thing that’s really "wrong" about me. but my type A temper has been with me for ages. only comes out when provoked so badly. i try to control it. there’s everything in trying, anyway. everything in the effort.
 
will try to heal my smashed up, already smashed from the start ,heart with this:
 
my mama took great care when i was still young. she didn’t drop the baby. think about my mom and a baby dropping before you break my heart.
 
it’s very lame. i know. but i hope it works. i told E, " …any which way i can" .
 
E was in a dream again, a few days ago.
We were watching " Main Street" in KL. Then E. speaks to me inside the theater, " you like Main Street, don’t you? did you like the book?"
I’m watching the movie so I just nod with a beaming smile at E.
E just says, " Hmmm." Then he goes back to holding my hand.
 
That’s never ever going to happen.
 
If things ever get better for me, you’ll find out in only 1 way. I’d have short, very short hair.
 
Now, that’s never going to happen.
 
I like my long hair now. E. has never been in my hair. He’s never touched my hair. He never will. Because then I’d have to cut my hair when he leaves me.
 
 
I don’t want to cut my hair. I don’t want E. to ever leave me. so E. can’t touch my hair. I won’t let him.
 
If he does, it would mean that he really does love me.
 
Well…
 
he doesn’t. He can’t remember Charles Dickens. You know, " don’t close your mouth to those you’ve opened your heart to"
 
he’s not ambiguous. Mr. E. He was right about what he’d told me about himself. That he’s stupid. He’s stupid when it comes to me. Stupid in so many ways.
when i wasn’t Ms. " what-happened-to-me" ? francess, he was stupid in all the right ways.
 
today, i don’t know what happened. i don’t know and i like that i don’t know.
it’s better this way.
 
 
 
this,my saddest last love story would have grown on me by the time that i finally cease to exist.
 
 
something to take comfort in.
 
 
 

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