holyfcuksyetkamote…~

i just had 1 of the worst nights of my life. holyfcuksyetkamote. nagkakasakit na talaga ako dahil sa mga g*gong ito. somewhere in my body and i’ve felt this thing since i started graduate school sa UE Manila (c.2007)
is something that makes me vomit a whole lot, every 3 months or so. The first time this happened, my driver was still Kuya Jay. i was begging kuya Jay for Bonamine talaga at the parking lot of UE Manila. this year it has happened 3 times. the 1st time was in May. eddin and i were fighting again and he had just called me a dog. the 2nd time was in june. i was looking for a letter from eddin amongst the halaman sa harapan ng bahay kasi si mr. cuku kasi he was making me g@go dahil kay ‘Ben’ tapos ‘Lilac’ tapos may ‘Benson’ pa siyang nalalaman pati na rin yang Skyblue pink na iyan at yung pesteng pipedream, tapos meron pang Strange and in a daze niya at saka yung idea. Suka galore ang nangyari sa akin and suka dini doesn’t mean ‘like’.
last night, megavomit nanaman ako at ngayon nga nagdadalawang isip pa ako kung puwede ba akong kumain ng tinola for lunch. holyfcuksyetkamote naman eh. i don’t intend to get treatment for what’s causing these suka spells of mine because contrary to what mr. eddin says…the best doctors aren’t in Manila. atsaka ngayon alam ko na na wala na talagang pag-asa na magiging masaya pa ulit ako dito sa the house that my grandpa’s love built dahil napakawalanghiya talaga ng aking mga neighbors. holyfcuksyetkamote. namatay na pala ang asawa ng childhood kaibigan ng aking Mama. tingnan niyo nga’t may nagluluksa pala dito sa aming kalye eh puros pukpokbangbang pa rin lang ang nalalaman nitong mga g@gong taga Lactao. tapos ako ang tinuturuan ng those who raped my right hand inside Mt. Carmel Church kuno na magkaroon ng malasakit sa kapwa. aba, sinong nagsabi na hindi ako marunong nun?
 
when my grandma died last April ganito rin ang mga walanghiyang kapitbahay namin. walang nakiramay ano. sina Mrs. Mendoza lang, wala ng iba. itong mga powtanginang squatter na nakatira sa paligid ng aming blue house, squatter na nga lang eh naghahari-harian pa. mabuti pa noong panahon ng 19 kopong kopong. yung mga squatter marunong rumespeto sa mga titoladong edukada at titoladong edukado. powtah talaga oo. sinusubukan akong patayin ng mga squatter na ito. this is the reason why i don’t like to play my music at home. these squatters sa aking paligid who are the very same squatters na wala ng ginagawa kung hindi magpaka caveman at cavewoman mula pa noong June…simply don’t deserve to hear music from me…for free. labag sa aking kalooban kasi nga…pinapatay nga nila akong dahan-dahan. with each pukpokbangbang, each ahem, each broombroom, each baheng, each tsinelas gang pasa doble nitong mga anak ng mga squatter sa kalsada na ginagawa nilang playground etc etc etc.
 
last night i was telling my kurdapya, please guardian angel…don’t make me the only Paulinian since birth who doesn’t have a guardian angel. sige na naman o. i don’t care if they raped my hand inside a Catholic church, kung hindi ka ba naman napakawalang kwentang anghel sige na naman o. pakausap naman kay mamang naglalaro ng shadow puppet at alam mo naman na siya lang ang may kaya na patahanin ako sa pag-iyak.
i really get very sick when i cry. eddin is the sole person on this planet who is ever able to make me stop crying. these words from him, ‘ now don’t cry.’ and ‘ now don’t cry or else i’ll get angry’. eddin was the sole person who could do this. holyfcuksyetkamote talaga. eddin had someone else who could make me stop weeping. stephen could tell me to stop crying and see results. but steph married na last year. so ever since last year si Wayang Kulit lang talaga ang may kayang magsabi ng ‘now don’t cry’.
as usual, my guardian angel didn’t do anything to help me. now i think that i really must be very worthless if my own guardian angel can’t help me…in any way…to be a little cheerful. sayang talaga dahil hindi yata talaga pumapasok sa utak nitong si eddin itong linya na ito eh, ‘ without you someone may not be living right now’. again…sige na nga, i’m the most worthless being na nga on earth. even my dad didn’t know the line, diba? ok. sira-ulo talaga yung mga nang-rape ng kamay ko sa loob ng church. yes, i did grow up in a house where i could see my parents fighting…i could see and hear my dad yell at my mom, etc. so? eh ano ngayon? hindi naman ako ang kaisa-isang francess sa balat ng lupa na lumaki sa dysfunctional household, ah.
 
suka spell was also cause by the fact that i had been seriously contemplating making the mental ward my permanent residence. kaso, hindi naman ako bagay doon eh. i’ll die in there because hindi rin ako bibigyan ng Dulcolax doon para kapag namahay ako doon. atsaka hindi na doon eh…doon na talaga sa kulay oyster pink…kaso…i happen to love the house that my grandpa’s love built. i grew up in this house. grew up sa street na ito. this is where all my memories with stephen had been built. this is where bryan mr. tsekwa couldn’t take his eyes off 17 yr old francess and her very long Rapunzel hair. this is where i had my first dance. my first piano lesson. this is where i showered my Mama with liver Gerber for the very first time, this is where i read the first word of love from mr. eddin khoo in a letter…besides, tatapatan lang nanaman ako ng paid actors doon, so hindi nalang bale. in the other mental ward, the patients there were constantly quoting lines from manila rose to me. hindi ko man lang napansin until this guy na walang isang kamay quoted this line, " when we were born our living and our dying began at the same time" i don’t own the line but it sure was lifted from an entry that i wrote last year. that’s when i realized that i was in a therapeutic mental institution/ward that had guys and gals working for the ones who raped my hand inside Mt. Carmel Church. it wasn’t even the Dulcolax na ayaw ibigay sa akin eh. and the guy attendants all had the same god awful cologne that has been following me around. i don’t even know what it is. followed me to Manila Law College, followed me to Alimall, followed me sa harap ng FEU, followed me (but very faintly na) sa katawan ng nagbebenta ng shopping bag sa may Tutuban center mall early this month. ayaw ko na. it isn’t even how eddin smells like. eddin smells like sampoerna and hair gel for those beautiful massive curls of his.
 
i think i’m going to start making suka again. nak ng tokwa naman eh. i really don’t have a guardian angel pala. i tried to argue with kurdapya pa nga eh. i said, " guardian angel, you have the tiniest job on earth. other angels are watching over soldiers, over bankers, over people who have dangerous lives…tapos heto tayo, you just have to whisper something sa tenga ni mr. wayang kulit para i stop crying na and i stop getting sick tapos hindi mo magawa.
 
holyfcuksyetkamote
 

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