rose # 3…thoughts of a ‘maybe…definitely” spinster…..

I made a bet with my grandfather last week. I told him that if Mr. Wayang Kulit doesn’t call during his birthday or the day after his birthday that I’d die before my 31st birthday…if not die…that the ‘shit’s gonna hit the fan" before my 31st birthday. Not that I’m not already dead. I never thought that it would actually happen. I’d always managed to keep relatively well in the past. I had love in my heart. I never thought that I’d know what it feels like to lose what makes me get up in the morning. Anyway…so Mr. Wayang Kulit didn’t call or write or SMS. Grandpa won the bet. So, I wonder just why the 116966 psychos are still at it? What could possibly matter more to me than losing my bet with grandpa? I repeat…your life, Mr/Ms/Mrs/ 116966 doesn’t make my life possible. You have those swell remote controls…sure. And magnets…you know…for that damned thing that you did with the clocks…but in case you didn’t know: Kafka’s great hero has it better than you’ll ever have it. The guy switched back from being a insect. You won’t. Bug and insect…. you shall remain. Ok.Fine. So you’re a giant insect. And I’m no David. I’m no giant. I lost my bet with my grandpa. As far as I know…I should only live for those who love me. Big giant insect didn’t give me my life. Big giant insect didn’t create me. I’m no creation of yours. Scram.
Big Giant Insect and Friends: Yes. I see. I c. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, is it?
* * * * *
I told the BGI and Company…the other day, " I went to 5 of the best schools in the Philippines and here I am. I wasn’t able to end up with somebody who could quote "Moonlight becomes You" to me. Just because. And just because a normal life for me…sans Big Giant Insect and BGI’s "scare tactics" " sick psycho ways" … would have this somebody in it. If not for BGI, and etc.
Why "Moonlight becomes You" ? It’s a nice song, a very nice one.
* * * * *
If BGI’s great plan didn’t suddenly kick in & if the world gave Mr. Wayang Kulit to me without any of the damned tears and troublesome heartache & if I’d been born: lucky enough to be the mama of Mr. Wayang Kulit’s children? I really like Vera, as baby girl’s name. And Adam was for baby boy…because baby Adam showed himself to me, last year. I was typing out my thesis, one night. And this curly haired boy was suddenly in the room with me. He had my eyes. Looked just like me during my liver Gerber years. But those curls in his hair were magnificent and wondrous. Must have come from his dad. I’m glad that baby Adam is beyond BGI. I’m rather happy that BGI and company can’t, won’t and couldn’t see him. You see, I don’t and I simply can’t fake things like seeing baby Adam. Splendid. What is splendid? Well, baby Adam and his mommy who won’t be ( that’s me) can say, " can’t touch this" to BGI and company. Ok. just baby Adam can say it. I can’t. BGI and friends have managed to just short of "rape "me… ever since end of June. motherfcker  naman eh. malapit ng magkaluga ang aking mga tenga sa kaka-gamit ng earplugs para lang hindi ko marinig ang nak ng tae niyong ingay at at kung ano-ano pang …pangaabuso.
 I saw him again, the other day. I asked him to go away. Told him that I was not going to be able to see his Daddy again. No, I didn’t find it crass that seeing baby Adam is something from Ally McBeal. I saw him last year. And seeing him had nothing to do with the great Big Giant Insect aka the116966’s "Godfather".

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