what if you could go the other way?~


My baby sister is a ballet dancer. She dances very well. I still remember the first time I saw her after a ballet class when she was in grade five.
She was eight years old and tiny. I’m not sure if she can remember how she glided away from her dancing circle to rush to Mommy so that she could get a hug and a kiss.
I swear, she just got taller.

She needn’t have been a banker. I needn’t have been this question mark.
I’m looking at her fine frame in front of me and I’m out of my long break from thinking.
I’d like to find where I could bring my "fine frame" to our mother; in a picture.
My mom caught me writing again the other day. I winked and admitted that it was only an exercise: finding out if I still have it.
I still have it but it doesn’t make me happy.
I pray that God might show me how to go the other way.
Because I made it to where I was supposed to get to
and everyone else is smiling except me.

How I wish that I could just tell these people to piss off. Really. Wonder if they know how miserable they make me feel whenever they ask…
My kakampi waited for me last December.
I was so glad to have that reverse photograph to place beside the other one that I always have with me.
Guess what the ancient woman is waiting for, now?
A week ago, Mom and I heard the antique in her sleep.
She was  telling someone, " Hindi pa. Si Francess pa. Hindi pa ako makakasama kasi wala pang lakay si Francess."

My heart wants to shatter every time I have to give her a sad smile when I pass by her apartment.
She always grabs my hand and pulls me to sit by her. She asks me, " When?".
She only eats proper food when I make her subo. I seldom write about her. In fact, I never write about her.
She’s my sweet, demented,101 year old kakampi, that’s why. Her very simple wishes are just like mine.

I like what she keeps telling me, " Get married. Wala ka ng makikita, sige ka."
I always change the subject and I end with, " Dua. Two years pa, wen? Hintayin mo, ok? "
Kakampi always promises to wait. But she promises with a wink.
Sorry. I know it’s for me but I can’t tell them to piss off. I wish that I could.

Look at my sister and look at me. Why does she get to tell them to piss off?
I end up cursing my father each time kakampi asks me, " When?".

I wish I knew, grandma. I wish I knew.
I’d like to go the other way. I have to find out how.


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